Offence 1: Adjusting the price of goods.
Oh-kay. Please bear in mind that this is for the good of all mankind, and I'm NOT chasing after every man in Ireland with a brush full of tar, but I don't think that a large proportion of the male population would appreciate the actual price of girl things. You really, really don't need to know that that particular foundation was €25, or that that magazine was €7. You don't need to know the real price of the boots. This would make you sad. The way I see it, when I'm frantically stuffing random shopping bags into the one big Penneys one before I come into the house, I'm PROTECTING you. Which is good. I'm happy because I have a new nice thing, you're happy because you think you're living with the bargain queen. Double happiness! Yay!
Also, bear in mind that I have a speech prepared if you do happen to stumble onto a wayward receipt. It goes something like this: "But we didn't go on holidays and I don't buy expensive clothes every week and I don't go to the hairdressers every week and I don't get my nails done or facials or go out every weekend or go to the cinema a lot or go to gigs and they're lovely boots and I'd have them forever and shur it's really only the price of a good night out." This is true. Not lying, see? Protecting. PROTECTING.
Sentence: None. Just don't let it get out of hand. Secret shopping - Okay. Secret debt-up-to-your-eyes? Not Okay.
Offence 2: Attack of the Mummy.
Sentence: A happy Mammy means a happy child.
Offence 3: I Don't Like Her Because You Do.
Sentence: Ladies are pretty. Men will look. Men are pretty. Women will look. You can't very well accuse someone of being a perv when you are a perv. Of sorts.
Offence 4: Letting Party You Overrule Sensible You.
I don't know if this is more guilt, or embarrassment. I'm going to err on the side of mortifying. You're out for the night, having a laugh, having a few drinks, dancing, making instant best friends in the bathroom, talking utter scour, and then you do it. You have the BEST idea in the world. Every alarm bell in your head is ringing, the tiny voice voice of sober, sensible you, is somewhere in the back of your head, screaming "don't do it! It's not funny!". And then you do it. And it's HILARIOUS. Everyone laughs. You're the hottest thing since sliced bread. You're gas. You go home feeling delighted with yourself, until you turn on your laptop the following morning and read the only sentence guaranteed to send your heart crashing down to the tips of your stamped-on toes. "XXX tagged you in a picture." Ground. Open. Swallow. Now. Going out now is like being under bloody surveillance.
Sentence: It's alright to numb Sensible You, but for christ sake, don't kill her. Party You won't help you in the morning.
Offence 5: Not Taking a Compliment.
I am completely incapable of taking a compliment, should the occasion arise. "You look lovely." "Ah, jaysus, I don't." "You do, I love your top." "This oul thing? I don't even like it." "You look great." " I don't. But you do." "Ah, god, no, I don't, I look desperate." I think we're all afraid that if we say "thanks", that everyone will think "Jaysus, ego on your wan, she thinks she's gorgeous now." LADIES!!! I've learned that the more you put yourself down, the more people will stop trying to build you up. Take this recent exchange between himself and I. "You look lovely." "I don't, I look huge." "You don't look huge, you're not huge." "I feel huge in these trousers." "Well change them then." "Do you think I should change them?" "I don't give a fuck what you do with them, I want to go." Fair enough.
Sentence: If you think you look nice, you look nice. And say thank you when you get a compliment!
Identify with any of the above?